WWE WrestleMania 33 Review

By Kevin Schroeder
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Updated: April 5, 2017

AJ Styles defeated Shane McMahon

This was better than I thought it was going to be, but still a colossal waste of the best in-ring talent on the main roster. Shane did his usual brawling stuff and his usual throwing himself off of stuff stuff. He appeared to have learned some new holds he was really eager to show off. So there was that. ★★¼

Kevin Owens defeated Chris Jericho to win the United States Championship

This match deserved a half-hour and the chance to tear the house down. Jericho and Owens got the most out of what they were given, though. ★★★★

Bayley defeated Charlotte Flair, Sasha Banks, and Nia Jax in an Elimination Match to retain the Raw Women’s Championship

Three-way, four-way, etc. matches aren’t easy to pull off and I can’t imagine having one of the participants be a stiff like Nia Jax could help, so I’ll cut them some slack here. What they did wasn’t good. Charlotte not getting the pad all the way off a turnbuckle didn’t help, because they still had to sell the turnbuckle like she did and it just looked bad and then Stupid Michael Cole had to try to explain it and there was still forever to go in this show, and yeah, not good. ★★

The Hardy Boyz defeated Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson, Enzo Amore and Colin Cassady, and Cesaro and Sheamus in a ladder match to win the Raw Tag Team Championship

The Broken gimmick really grew on me. But the Hardys weren’t doing the gimmick, so I cared about them a lot less. TNA’s still claiming ownership of the gimmick, so while I don’t think we’ll never see the Broken Hardys on WWE TV, it won’t be for a while. The match itself was good, but not great. ★★★½

John Cena and Nikki Bella defeated The Miz and Maryse

This might have been okay if it was just Cena vs. Miz, but Maryse can’t work, so the women pretty much just got in the way. After the match, Team Lesser of Two Evils got engaged. I knocked off two stars for this part. -★★★½

Seth Rollins defeated Triple H in an unsanctioned match

Triple H worked Rollins’ knee the whole way, Stephanie got involved, standard heel stuff. Decent match, but you could have knocked ten minutes off it. ★★★

Randy Orton defeated Bray Wyatt to win the World Heavyweight Championship

The match had no flow, the crowd wasn’t into it, and the images displayed on the mat were just ridiculous, particularly the cockroach one, because the gif didn’t match up and form a continuous loop. The lack of flow wasn’t really their fault as time was almost certainly cut from the match because they still had three matches to jam into this thing. -½

Brock Lesnar defeated Goldberg to win the Universal Championsip

DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! (That’s one for every move done in this match.) -★★★★

Naomi defeated Alexa Bliss, Carmella, Becky Lynch, Natalya, and Mickie James to win the Smackdown Women’s Championship

This wasn’t any good, but it wasn’t their fault. This is a tough match to do and then they had to cut time from it and what resulted was kind of a mess. -★

Roman Reigns defeated The Undertaker

This was just about the dumbest thing I’ve seen in WWE and I’ve seen Mae Young give birth to a hand. I get passing the torch, but with Roman Reigns still getting booed out of every building he sets foot in after everything they’ve tried, why they thought this would be a good move for him I have no idea. The problem with this goes back to WrestleMania XXX, where Brock Lesnar broke the streak, because reasons. They made Lesnar look unstoppable for a while, but he wasn’t there all the time and then they had Goldberg squash him so that was a really good use of that device. Bray Wyatt would have been a great person to pass that torch to, but after just losing the previous year, Taker couldn’t lose again and if he did, Bray winning wouldn’t have meant much anyway because Taker would have looked old and washed-up. The match with Shane last year was a complete and utter waste of time. If Taker doesn’t lose to Brock at Mania XXX, he could have passed the torch to Bray at Mania 31 then gone ten minutes or so with Kane at Mania 32 to say goodbye in Texas. Or just pass the torch in Dallas. Or if he wanted to go out in the same place Flair did, pass it to Bray this year, but the point is, Bray should have been the one getting that torch if for no other reason than he can have the kind of match that hides Taker’s age, as opposed to Reigns who needs to showcase his athleticism. But they gotta make Reigns look strong. So that’s what they tried to do. Taker could barely move and the crowd wasn’t into the match because the show had been going on since the ice age and watching Taker was just depressing and everyone hates Roman Reigns and some idiot decided this needed to go on for 25 minutes and what a disaster this turned out to be. Taker didn’t even attempt Old School and the Last Ride he gave Reigns had to be set up with Reigns on the second rope and even then Taker looked like he might collapse. There was no reason for this to happen. If the streak was still intact, this could have been the impetus for a great heel turn and it might still be, but the way it came out, Reigns just looked like he beat up someone’s grandpa. And yeah, grandpa probably shouldn’t be wrestling anymore, but he’s still grandpa and you don’t want to see him look like that. -★★★¾

Overall: DELETE! -★★

Twitter: @KSchroeder_312

E-mail: schroeder.giig@gmail.com