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Free Agency With Jason Licht, Or Why The Buccaneers Are Hopeless, A Play
- Updated: March 11, 2016
We begin our story in the office of Bears GM Ryan Pace, where he is having a meeting with Matt Forte.
Pace: Matt, these conversations are never easy, but the reality is that we’ve got a lot of holes on our team to fill and limited resources with which to fill those holes. We’ve got some young depth at running back, so we’ve decided that we’re not going to re-sign you. Thank you for your time in Chicago.
We take you now to the office of Buccaneers GM Jason Licht, who is having a meeting with his own free agent RB, Doug Martin.
Licht: OKAY GUYS, BACK THAT BRINKS TRUCK UP!
Assistant: Sir, do you really think that’s a good idea?
Licht: YUP, SURE DO.
Assistant: But, sir, a 5-year, $35.75 million deal? The NFL is really pass-heavy nowadays. You can find serviceable running backs anywhere.
Licht: LITTLE MORE, GUYS.
Assistant: But he got injured each of the two seasons prior to this past one, and when he wasn’t hurt those years, he wasn’t all that productive. Who knows what we’re going to get out of him now that he’s not playing for a contract anymore?
Licht: BUT IF WE LET HIM GO, HOW ARE WE GOING TO SELL THESE AWESOME PLUSH MUSCLE HAMSTERS?
Assistant: Sir, he hates that nickname.
Licht: LOOK HOW FUZZY THEY ARE!
Assistant: *sighs* Okay, fine. Can we address some other needs now? Like the O-line, maybe? It wasn’t very good last year and now Logan Mankins retired. We sent Alex Boone a 5-year, $32.5 million offer, but he turned us down to sign with Minnesota.
Licht: JUST CROSS OUT BOONE’S NAME, REPLACE IT WITH J.R. SWEEZY, AND SEND IT TO HIS AGENT.
Assistant: Sir, you must be joking. Did you see Sweezy play at all last year? Why in the world would you think he’s worth that kind of money?
Licht: HE HAS A COOL NAME. THAT’S JUST THE TYPE OF GUY WE NEED AROUND HERE.
Assistant: I quit.
Twitter: @KSchroeder2325
E-mail: schroeder.giig@gmail.com