WWE Elimination Chamber 2015 Review

The New Day won an Elimination Chamber match over the Primetime Players, Cesaro and Tyson Kidd, The Ascension, the Lucha Dragons, and Los Matadores

I had legitimately forgotten that Los Matadores were still with the company.

The New Day had a big advantage in the match, as per orders of Kane, all three members were allowed to compete. The Lucha Dragons and The Ascension, who I think should be renamed “Team ‘What Might Have Been’” started the match.Kalisto went to the top of New Day’s pod, but his foot got caught, and New Day held him in place. This left The Ascension with a 2-on-1 on Sin Cara, but rather than beat him up and try to eliminate the Lucha Dragons, they went to the top rope to attack Kalisto. This was stupid. The New Day let go of Kalisto. Also stupid. Then Kalisto stayed on top of the pod. Again, stupid. There was no explanation given as to how he got free. The New Day just let go of him. I have no idea why. Kalisto stood up, but his foot got caught again, and his leg was pulled back into the pod. If it was such a big deal for the New Day to have control of Kalisto, then why let go of him in the first place? Kalisto, The Ascension, and the New Day all looked like complete idiots.

Cesaro and Tyson Kidd came in next. Cesaro superplexed Kalisto from the top of New Day’s pod. So that was why Kalisto was up there. They had a spot planned. Because that happens all the time in real fights. The spot at least looked cool, but there was no logic to any of it. Kalisto’s not going anywhere. EXPLOIT THE 2-ON-1 ADVANTAGE, MORONS. This was especially idiotic since the Lucha Dragons’ offense to that point was mostly 2-man moves.

Los Matadores came in next. El Torito hit a huricanrana from the top of the pod on Cesaro. He was never in the pod, nor was he ever officially part of the match, but the refs let him in the chamber, and then for some reason, he waited until Los Matadores were in match the to do this. If you haven’t caught on yet, nothing made any sense here.

The fans chanted “This is awesome.” The fans were wrong

The Ascension eliminated Los Matadores after hitting Fall of Man, then did the same to the Lucha Dragons shortly after. The Ascension was looking good at this point. It’s a real shame they were made to look like complete buffoons the minute they came up to the main roster. The Primetime Players came in next and eliminated The Ascension. Darren Young hit Viktor with the Gut Check. Cesaro hit the best dropkick I’ve seen from someone other than Kazuchika Okada. Cesaro and Kidd and the Primetime Players hit a triple suplex on New Day. You could hear them count “1, 2, 3” before the move, so you should see this on the next Botchamania. Everyone talks too much. Cesaro threw Xavier back into New Day’s pod, then hit Kofi with the giant swing. Young pinned Cesaro with a roll-up. Big E got Xavier out of the pod. New Day then stuck Titus’ head through the cage. It was clear he could have gotten out any time he wanted, but he had to sell it anyway. Titus eventually got free, and the teams brawled. Titus had a hold of Xavier, then Big E knocked Titus down to a knee, and Kofi hit trouble in Paradise. All three members of New Day pinned him for the win.

I don’t blame the workers for this match being awful; they were okay. I blame whoever was the agent for this, because nothing made any sense and it was a mess. -★★★★

Nikki Bella defeated Naomi and Paige to retain the WWE Divas Championship

Nikki got knocked out of the ring and Paige and Naomi fought. Nikki got back in the ring, then got knocked back out. Nikki got back in again and hit a powerbomb on Naomi, who was on the top rope, while Naomi hit a German suplex on Paige. The spot was incredibly dangerous and didn’t even end up looking good. Naomi knocked Paige out of the ring, then Nikki hit the Rack Attack on Naomi and won.

The match blew. But at least it blew in the opposite way that the previous match blew. This match made enough sense, the workers just sucked. They’ve got plenty of great female workers in NXT, but instead we have to continue to watch these bozos. Paige deserves better than this. -★★★½

Kevin Owens defeated John Cena

Both men tried to gain upper hand early, then Owens got the heat on Cena. Cena made a comeback, hit the moves of doom, but Owens countered the AA, and hit the Pop-up Powerbomb, but Cena kicked out. Owens went for an awesome moonsault, but missed. Cena then hit the AA, but Owens kicked out. Owens hit a superkick and went for the 5-knuckle shuffle, but Cena caught him in the STF. Owens got near the ropes, so Cena went to reapply the maneuver, but Owens countered, kicking Cena into ropes. Owens caught Cena coming off the ropes, and hit Cena with the AA.Owens went for the Pop-up Powerbomb, but Cena countered, and hit the springboard stunner. Owens kicked out. Cena went for a superplex. Owens countered with what looked like AA off the top. Owens went to other corner and hit a senton, but Cena kicked out. Cena made a comeback, hitting clotheslines. Owens dodged Cena running at him, Cena hit the ropes, and Owens hit the Pop-up Powerbomb and won. Owens then cut an awesome promo. This match was so good, it made up for how bad the first two were. ★★★★★

Neville defeated Bo Dallas

Bo looked fat. Or rotund, if you will. He must have had too many Bo-rownies. Bo got the heat on Neville. Moe, Larry, and Curly went over mistakes they’d made during the broadcast, such as Cole calling JBL “JR”, JBL saying Joe Namath guaranteed a win over Chiefs when comparing Owens’ win over Cena to some of the greatest called shots in history. It was the Colts that Namath guaranteed a victory over in Super Bowl III, but Lawler said “Indianapolis Colts.” The Colts were, of course, still in Baltimore at the time. You know a match is great when the commentators are having conversations like this. Seriously, how bad is this commentary team? JBL could be great if the people in his ear (including Vince) weren’t imbeciles. Michael Cole was never any good. Lawler was great with J.R. (Then again, who wasn’t?), but has been absolute garbage since, and now that Ring of Honor is on Destination America isn’t even the best King doing TV commentary. It only gets worse on Raw, when Booker T is on commentary in place of Lawler.

Getting back to the match, Neville made comeback, hit the red arrow, and won. This match should have been better than it was. Bo Bo-lows. ★★

Ryback won an Elimination Chamber match over Sheamus, Dolph Ziggler, R-Truth, King Barrett, and Mark Henry to win the WWE Intercontinental Championship

Ziggler and Barrett started the match, with R-Truth coming in next. Mark Henry entered after Ziggler was thrown into his pod and the Lexan popped out. Ryback entered next, at the time when a new entrant was scheduled to enter the match. It was between him and Sheamus, so I guess if your pod gets busted open, you’re just in the match. They proceeded to brawl. Mark Henry broke up a pin on Ziggler. I have no idea why. Barrett went for a Bull Hammer on Dolph, but Dolph kicked him in the gut. Ryback dropped him onto top rope, Truth then hit the Lie Detector and pinned Barrett.

Sheamus’ pod wouldn’t open and everyone forgot how to work. Ziggler, Ryback, and Truth triple-teamed Mark Henry. Ryback then clotheslined Ziggler, then Shell Shocked Truth and pinned him.

Sheamus then entered the match. It turned out he had jammed the door with his Celtic cross necklace. Sheamus threw Dolph through a pod. He would eliminate Mark Henry with a Brogue Kick. He then went after Ziggler, but Ziggler avoided Sheamus’ attacks, and got his own offense in. Sheamus then caught him with a Brogue Kick and pinned him.

Sheamus and Ryback brawled. Sheamus hit white noise and a rolling senton on the steel grates. Ryback caught Sheamus coming at him, picked him up for a powerbomb, knocked him off the cage, then powerbombed him into the ring. Then he hit Shell Shocked for win. This match is what you’d get if you stuck a few Raw matches together and put it in a cage. Also, as was the case with the first chamber match, little made sense. -★★★★½

Dean Ambrose defeated Seth Rollins by disqualification in a match for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship

Ambrose got the upper hand early and worked Rollins’ arms. Rollins broke free and then rolled out of ring. Ambrose gained the upper hand again, then distractions by authority shifted the momentum to Rollins. The match went out of the ring. Rollins powerbombed Ambrose onto the barricade then rolled Ambrose back in the ring to go for the pin, but Ambrose kicked out. Rollins got the heat on Ambrose. Ambrose made a comeback and hit a tornado DDT, but Rollins kicked out. Ambrose took control and hit a few big moves resulting in near-falls. Another distraction then gave the momentum back to Rollins. Ambrose came back and punched Noble, Mercury, and Kane, then dove onto them on the outside from the top rope. Rollins pulled the ref in front of him as Ambrose came at him from the top rope. The ref went down. Rollins went for the Pedigree, but Ambrose countered. Seth went for a big move from the top, but Ambrose dodged it. Ambrose hit Dirty Deeds, a new ref came out, and counted the pin. The first ref then came back in and called the DQ on Rollins. The ref tried to get belt back from Ambrose. The heels then beat Ambrose up, but Roman Reigns made the save. Ambrose then left with the belt. This was a great match hurt by a numbskull finish. What else is new? ★★★★

Overall: Thank you Owens, Cena, Ambrose, and Rollins for showing up. You guys were awesome. The rest of you were bad and should feel bad. Except Neville. It’s not your fault Bo Dallas was useless. ½

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