I’m Throwing My Hat In The Ring To Be Indiana’s Next Head Coach

By Kevin Schroeder
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Updated: March 17, 2017

~~Dwight Schrute~~ Tom Crean’s out at Indiana after an up-and-down nine years. Names have been tossed around from the unrealistic, like Sean Miller, to the really unrealistic, Brad Stevens. Spoiler alert, IU fans: you’re gonna hire Steve Alford and I’m gonna laugh because he might be a step down from Crean. You don’t have to hire Steve Alford, though. I’ve got a great candidate you could hire: me.

Fred Glass says that any alumnus of Indiana University that wants to apply for the head coaching job will get a conversation. #iubb

— Sam Beishuizen (@Sam_Beishuizen) March 16, 2017

I graduated from IU in 2014 and I want to apply, so Fred’s gotta at least talk to me. I’ve called Glass a moron on Twitter more times than I can count, but he really is one, so he might actually hire me. Now, I’m not a huge basketball guy, I’m a Football Guy, but I still bring a ton to the table. Such as:

Was pretty good at the college basketball video games until they discontinued them.
Have won numerous championships in NBA 2K.
Coached my high school rec league team to a winning record.
Have never cut down nets after a loss.
Have never passed out Sweet Sixteen rings.
Have never thrown my team under the bus and called them soft.
Smart enough to know that Jeff Meyer did not wreck the program.
Smart enough to not assert that he did on national television.
Knew that Guy-Marc Michel was not an NBA player.
Know Syracuse plays zone.
Have watched Space Jam a few times.
Bulls fan, so I know how not to run a team.
Know that there’s only one conference championship to win every year.
Do not have a warrant for my arrest in Puerto Rico.
Willing to tell the fan base to shove it when they start chirping. (Not a fan of hillbillies tbh.)
Own a calendar so I can see it’s not the eighties anymore. If the fans have problem with that, refer to the above point.
Willing to tell Dan Dakich to shove it when he starts chirping. (Gonna do this anyway.)
Will employ a great recruiting strategy to bring in the top players in the country. (Gonna stand at the McDonald’s All-American Game and wave a big wad of hundreds around. Might as well. You pretty much have to ask to be caught anymore and even if you are, nothing happens. I mean, seriously, North Carolina was making up classes.)(If this is problematic for you, disregard this. I totally won’t do it. *wink wink*)
Have never made this face on TV.