Trash Teams and Crappy Coaches: Football’s Worst of the Worst Update #1

Time to take a look at how some of the NFL’s biggest dumpster fires are doing. Much has changed since we last looked in. For example, the Eagles, our dark horse candidate is one of the best teams in the league. However, much has stayed the same, such as the Browns still suck. Like, they really really suck. In fact, our current leader for the Golden Garbage Can (I thought about calling the award the Oscar, after Oscar the Grouch, but since that could get us sued by two different companies, I decided against it.) is the…

Cleveland Browns

RG3 lasted all of a game. He’s out at least a couple months with a shoulder injury and could be done for the season altogether. Then Josh McCown got hurt, too, leaving them with Cody Kessler. They blew a 20-point lead against Baltimore and missed out on a win against Miami because Cody Parkey, who they may or may not have signed because he was cheap to get, missed three kicks including a potential game-winner.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

The Bucs and Jameis Winston had a great week one performance against the Falcons. The following week, Jameis tossed four picks en route to getting routed by the Cardinals. This past week, they lost to the Rams at home. The defense appears to be quite bad, so maybe Lovie wasn’t the problem. Go figure. Kicker Roberto Aguayo, who it must be stated again, the Bucs traded up into the second round to take, is 1-for-3 on the year.

San Francisco 49ers

After an impressive week one win over the Rams, a shutout no less, the 49ers got thumped by both the Panthers and Seahawks. Jed York is still there.

Detroit Lions

The Lions managed to not do Lions things week one against the Colts. The followed that up by losing to the Titans and then falling so far behind to the Packers that the Packers were able to head home early and it didn’t matter. Jim Caldwell remains their coach.

Now we turn our attention to the coaches. Shayne and I have been firing coaches who make lousy decisions all year. All NFL and college football coaches are eligible, head coaches and coordinators. Whoever gets fired the most gets the Golden Mornhinweg.

Or, that was he plan, anyway. Brian Kelly was an early leader after the 2 QB nonsense against Texas and the game against Michigan State where his lack of understanding of game management showed. If you know you’re going to need a 2-point conversion at some point, go for it the first chance you get. This way, you know how to manage the game from there.

Then the Duke Blue Devils came into South Bend nearly three touchdown underdogs and won. After the loss to the nearly three touchdown underdogs, Brian Kelly, in a gutless attempt to deflect blame from himself, said coaching had nothing to do with it. The next day, he fired defensive coordinator Brian VanGorder. So I guess it was everyone’s fault but Kelly’s. Just shameful. So Brian Kelly’s fired infinite times and now everyone’s competing for second place and the Silver Mornhinweg. Let’s take a look at the standings:

A couple things. 1) We haven’t been able to catch every coach doing something stupid, so to any coaches reading this, if you’ve made a boneheaded decision and haven’t been fired for it, consider yourself lucky. To our readers, if you see someone do something stupid, tweet me, Shayne, or the GIIG account. 2) A lot of these firings are for clock management decisions, something a middle schooler who plays Madden can handle, but somehow, people who have been coaching actual football teams for years and get paid millions of actual dollars to do it, can’t quite grasp.

Twitter: @KSchroeder_312

E-mail: schroeder.giig@gmail.com