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Worst Take
- Updated: August 12, 2015
INT: THE SET OF WORST TAKE
Molly Qerim: Good morning, everyone, and welcome to Worst Take. I’m Molly Qerim, joined, as always, by Stephen A. Hole
and Skip Brainless.
Today’s topic for debate: Is grass green? Let’s turn to you first, Stephen A.
Stephen A.: Grass is green. It’s one of the greenest things on Earth and has been for a long time. HOWEVA, it’s not as green as pears. Or celery. Or the money you inexplicably get for spouting your ignorant opinions, Skip.
Skip: I don’t think grass is green.
Stephen A.: You’re nuts.
Skip: Grass is not green! What it is is a distraction! It grows and grows and then you have to spend time cutting it, only for it to grow again. It’s a detriment to my weekend.
Stephen A.: But it’s still green!
Skip: Nope.
Molly: Let’s bring in hack reporter and noted bigot Chris Toolsard to weigh in on this great, intellectual debate.
Chris: Molly, my sources are telling me that grass is not green.
*Checks Twitter*
Molly, my sources are now telling me that grass is, in fact, green.
Stephen A.: THANK YOU!
Skip: It’s not green! You know what’s green? This Tim Tebow jersey I’m wearing! That’s green! And Tebow’s going to be the best quarterback in the history of the universe.
Stephen A.: Tebow couldn’t hit water if he fell out of a boat.
Chris: The only water people need to worry about hitting is holy water. Have I told you how wrong homosexuality is?
Skip: Tebow could so hit water. He could hit water, which, by the way, is not wet, even if he didn’t fall out of the boat.
Stephen A.: Now you’ve really lost your mind. Water’s not wet. Is that what just came out of your mouth?
Skip: That’s right.
Chris: My sources are telling me that water is not wet.
Skip: THANK YOU!
Stephen A.: *shakes head.*
Chris: *Checks Twitter again.*
Chris: My sources are now telling me that water is actually wet.
Skip: Tebow.
Stephen A.: *shakes head.*
Chris: Tim Tebow is an excellent role model for our young people, because he recognizes the greatness of God. Being gay is a sin.
Skip: TEEEEEEEBOWWWWWW!
—
INT: THE OFFICE OF ESPN PRESIDENT JOHN SKIPPER
John Skipper: We need to save some money around here. I’ve looked over everything; there’s no way around it, someone’s going to have to go. But who should it be?
*Reads excellent article by Bill Simmons on Grantland.*
*Turns on Worst Take, sees show above.*
*Calls secretary.* Get Bill Simmons on the phone.
*On phone with Bill Simmons.* Hi, Bill, John Skipper here. I’m afraid we’re going to have to let you go.
—
INT: MY HOUSE.
Me: *Sees what’s going on on Worst Take.*
*Sees ESPN has let Bill Simmons go.*
*Throws remote.*
THE END
Twitter: @KSchroeder2325
E-mail: schroeder.giig@gmail.com