Royal Rumble 2015 Review

By Kevin Schroeder
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Updated: January 26, 2015

The Ascension defeated The New Age Outlaws

This show got off to just a wonderful start, with Michael Cole thinking that this match was for the tag team championship. As he would later find out, likely by Vince screaming it into his ear, it wasn’t. This was actually a solid match, though. Both teams looked pretty good. The Outlaws do, in fact, still have it. The Ascension worked over Road Dogg for most of the match and after Billy Gunn got in, they were able to hit Fall of Man on Gunn to win the match. ★★¼

The Usos defeated Damien Mizdow and The Miz to retain the WWE Tag Team Championship

Mizdow gets top billing in this team, because he’s the real star here. Miz stinks. And apparently, he still hasn’t learned how to catch people doing dives. Lawler had what had to be about his first funny line in fifteen years, saying that while Mizdow isn’t dumb, he “isn’t exactly on a zombie menu.” Miz wouldn’t let Mizdow into the match, but Mizdow would end up taking things into his own hands when he saw that his team was in trouble. However, Mizdow’s efforts weren’t enough, as the Usos would win after hitting a splash on Miz. ★½

The Bella Twins defeated Paige and Natalya

The Philadelphia crowd was so into this match that they started an “Olé” chant during this match. Michael Cole, after pointing out that Paige is from England and Natalya is from Canada, Cole was asked by Lawler where the Bellas are from. Cole, displaying his Mensa-level intellect once again, answered Arizona. The Bellas hit a nice double-team move on Nattie, but other than that, the match sucked. Brie Bella went into Brie Mode, whatever that is. The Bellas worked over Nattie, keeping her from tagging in Paige, with Nikki winning after hitting Nattie with a forearm and making Natalya look like an idiot. ¾

Paul Heyman’s client Brock Lesnar conquered Seth Rollins and John Cena to retain the WWE World Heavyweight Championship

This would be the best match so far this year if Hiroshi Tanahashi and Kazuchika Okada hadn’t torn the house down at Wrestle Kingdom 9. Lesnar threw everyone around early, including J&J Security, who he hit with a double German suplex. Lesnar would hit many more suplexes throughout the match. There was a lot of great action in this match, and Lesnar came out looking great, overcoming a great deal of punishment. Lesnar was thrown through the barricade, thrown into the stairs, and then hit with the stairs by Cena, and then hit with a dive by Rollins through the Spanish announce table, which kept him down for quite some time. Rollins would take a page out of the book of Tyler Black and hit Cena with a Phoenix Splash, after which Lesnar came back into the ring and hit both Cena and Rollins with German suplexes. Rollins would hit Lesnar with the Money in the Bank briefcase twice and go for the Curb Stomp, but Lesnar picked him up and hit the F5 for the win. ★★★★½

~~Batista~~ Roman Reigns won the Royal Rumble

There was really nothing to talk about in this year’s Rumble other than it’s brainless result. There was the obligatory Kofi Kingston spot, this year it involved the Rosebuds. Bubba Ray Dudley and Diamond Dallas Page made appearances, and Zack Ryder made his return to the ring.

Daniel Bryan entered at number 10, and was out by number 17, at which point the crowd pretty much stopped caring. Their new favorite guy in the match was some guy named “Boo.” They cheered for him awfully loudly. Mizdow and Dean Ambrose were actually cheered, everyone else was booed mercilessly, including Roman Reigns who might have surpassed John Cena for “guy the fans hate most” at this point. Reigns eliminated Kane and Big Show before the two of them beat him down, then The Rock came out to make the save. Rock cleared the ring, a “We want Rusev” chant broke out, since Rusev still hadn’t actually been eliminated. (Neither had Curtis Axel, who never even actually entered.) Rusev came back in, and Reigns took him out, and the crowd went right back to booing. Even when The Rock came back in the ring, the crowd just kept booing.

And rightfully so. Vince McMahon just flat-out doesn’t get it. He tried this nonsense last year, and the fans hated it. So what does he do this year, in Philadelphia, of all places? HE DOES THE EXACT SAME THING. Gotta make Reigns look strong. Vince is just lucky that this isn’t ECW, or furniture would have been flying. Vince is bound and determined to shoot Reigns to the moon despite his average-at-best in-ring work, and having less charisma than a cardboard box. All this comes after Vince goes on Steve Austin’s podcast and says that the reason Cesaro isn’t getting a serious push is because he doesn’t connect with the crowd well enough. Vince, use whatever money you have left after your wife blew a bunch of it on two failed Congressional campaigns and the stock falling, buy yourself a dictionary, and look up the word “irony.” Then, look up the word “bankruptcy,” because that’s where you’re headed if you don’t figure it out. -★★★½

Twitter: @KSchroeder2325

E-mail: schroeder.giig@gmail.com

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