Top 10 Things That Will Change in the Catholic Church Now That the Pope Is From Chicago

Chibemus Papam [Photo: Chicago Sun-Times]

White smoke poured from the chimney at the Sistine Chapel Thursday signaling the selection of the 267th pope. The new Bishop of Rome would prove to be unlike any before him, however. He would be the first pope from the U.S.A. Robert Prevost got a degree from Villanova and entered the priesthood, where he would go on to serve in Peru for four decades as he rose through the ranks of the Catholic Church. However, before all of that, the man now known as Pope Leo XIV was born and raised in Chicago. Expect some changes as ol’ Bob brings some Windy City to Vatican City. Here are the top 10 changes, nay improvements coming to the church.

10. Walter Payton to be canonized.

9. Fish on Fridays during Lent to be replaced with Harold’s Chicken.

8. The Cha-Cha Slide is now part of the liturgical music.

7. Someone can finally tell us who would win in a fight between Ditka and God.

6. Communion wine to be replaced by shots of Malort.

5. Baptisms to take place in a tub of beef gravy.

4. All Sunday church services to be wrapped up in time for kickoff.

3. Chance the Archbishop

2. Instead of “Holy Father”, the Pontiff will be referred to as “Da Pope”.

1. Putting ketchup on a hot dog is now the eighth deadly sin.

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