SEC Attempts To Ban “Book Learnin'”

On this week’s MGoPodcast on MGoBlog.com, co-hosts Brian Cook and Ace Anbender poked fun at the SEC’s attempt to keep Jim Harbaugh from holding a week of spring football practices at IMG Academy in Florida with a segment called “Top 5 Things the SEC Will Attempt to Ban Next.” Spoiler alert: Ace’s #1 item was book learnin’. The two thought this was just good fun, but it gave SEC Commissioner Greg Sankey an idea. He’s now attempting to get the NCAA to actually ban book learnin’. We take you now to his pitch to NCAA President Mark Emmert.

MARK EMMERT: So, let me get this straight, Mr. Sankey, you want the NCAA to ban “book learnin’”?

GREG SANKEY: That’s correct.

EMMERT: But, education, or as you put it “book learnin’” is the primary mission of the NCAA.

SANKEY: Since when?

*Assistant whispers into Sankey’s ear*

SANKEY: Oh, yeah, right.

EMMERT: So why would we ban it?

SANKEY: ‘Cause we’re sick and tired of those dadgum Yankees like Jim Harbaugh takin’ away our advantage in ‘croo-

*gets elbowed by assistant*

SANKEY: I mean, won’t somebody please think of the children?

EMMERT: What do you mean, Mr. Sankey?

SANKEY: Uh, well, ya know, books are heavy. And it’s real unfair on the kids to make ‘em carry ‘em around. And then to say they should read them? It’s just not fair to the athletes. Especially if you’re tellin’ ‘em to read over spring break.

EMMERT: But if we ban “book learnin’”, what exactly are we providing to the student-athletes?

SANKEY: What are ya talkin’ about? Our athletes get paid thousands and thousands of doll-

*gets elbowed by assistant*

SANKEY: I mean, they get to attend our fine institutions.

EMMERT: But without education at those institutions, what are they actually getting?

SANKEY: I just told ya, thousands and thousands of doll-

*gets elbowed by assistant*

SANKEY: Oh, right. Uh, look, Mr. Emmert, there’s plenty of stuff to learn besides what’s in books. The athletes could major in any one of a number of fantastic fields, like frog giggin’, square dancin’, huntin’, fishin’, revisionist history, and of course, dentistry.

EMMERT, incredulously: Dentistry?

SANKEY: Yeah, it’s super easy down here. Not that many teeth to worry about.

EMMERT: Look, Mr. Sankey, I just don’t think this is something the NCAA can do.

SANKEY: Alright, I’m fixin’ to level with ya. We’re sick of those city slickers with their fancy German cars and Gucci loafers and Park Avenue manicures comin’ down here and takin’ our ‘croots away. They think they’re soooo fancy ‘cause they know how to read. WE WON THE WAR, GUYS!

EMMERT: Uh, Mr. Sankey, you are aware the north won the Civil War?

SANKEY: Ugh. Don’t remind me. I’m talkin’ about the war on literacy.

EMMERT, with his face in his hand: Mr. Sankey, being able to read is a good thing.

SANKEY: Says you.

EMMERT: Yes, well, regardless, your request is denied.

*bagman shows up, hands Emmert a large sack with a dollar sign on it*

EMMERT: Okay, Mr. Sankey, your motion passes. Anything else we can do for you?

Twitter: @KSchroeder2325

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