What’s Going On Still Hasn’t Learned Its Lesson About Online Gastronomic Wagers

By Kevin Schroeder
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Updated: March 27, 2020

Eatin’ things on the internet time!

I will eat a Nike Air Monarch on live if this ever happened https://t.co/hovb5zPQPC

— Talenti Advocate (@fadecorner) March 17, 2020

#EatThatShoe https://t.co/KWpVNJAwNE

— Qwarantined Media (@YoungQwan) March 17, 2020

You’d think at some point, people would learn to keep these things in the realm of edible items.

Terms of Buccaneerment.

Tom Brady’s contract details with Tampa, sources tell ESPN: 2 years, $50 million deal, all guaranteed, that also includes another $9 million in incentives – $4.5 million in incentives per year. The contract also prohibits and trades.

— Adam Schefter (@AdamSchefter) March 20, 2020

That says to me that Brady just wanted to get out of New England. I have a hard time imagining that the Patriots wouldn’t have done that deal if Brady wanted to stay, although nobody else but Tampa was willing to, so who knows for sure. The guaranteed bit presents a risk for Tampa because Brady will be 43 when the season starts and is stepping into a new system that’s going to need some adjustments for him to fit in it and if it doesn’t work, they’re on the hook for another $25 million next year. I mean, Brady started to show his age last year, and that playoff game against Tennessee was underwhelming to say the least, but even if he’s not the guy he was ten years ago, he still does a good job of taking care of the ball, whereas the last guy…

Not so much.

People on Twitter were genuinely surprised that nobody was interested in Jameis Winston as a starter, even though the garbage decisions on the field are only topped in their crappiness by the ones he makes off of it. Winston’s first pass as a Buccaneer was a pick-six against Tennessee in a game that saw the Bucs get routed by the Titans and the man drafted right after Winston, Marcus Mariota. His last pass as a Buccaneer was a game-losing pick-six against the Falcons. Surely Brady will be an improvement over that.

I mean, probably. It should be fine.

This map sucks.

I love the depictions of NFL fan base size & borders in this puzzle. 😂 pic.twitter.com/lUNIVrNcuy

— Warren Sharp (@SharpFootball) March 23, 2020

A blindfolded monkey with a paintball gun could’ve produced a better map. Northwest Indiana is Bears territory and I would suspect the Lions and Bengals (and maybe the Browns, too, but I’m less confident there after the move to Baltimore) have Hoosier contingents as well since the Colts didn’t move to Indianapolis until 1984. Somebody from Maryland may want to correct me, but I doubt the Steelers have a sizable contingent there. And the Rams and Chargers don’t have fans.

Olympics moved. The Tokyo Olympics have been postponed to 2021. They will still be called the Tokyo 2020 games, so congratulations to the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim on no longer being the most awkwardly named major sports entity. Before anyone freaks out too much about what this could mean about how long we may be without sports, the Olympics a) bring in athletes from all over the world and b) have trials to consider. For sumo fans, there may be a silver lining here as Yokozuna Hakuho has stated that he wants to be Yokozuna for the Tokyo Olympics, so this likely means fans will get to watch him for at least another year. For those not familiar with sumo, Hakuho is the Michael Jordan of the sport. He just won his all-time 44th tournament (there are 6 every year), 12 more than the next man on the list, Taiho. Hakuho also just turned 35 and last year, became a Japanese citizen, a requirement for staying part of the Sumo Association after retirement. Your author would bet a nickel that the September 2021 tournament (tournaments take place in the odd-numbered months) is his last, after which he will become a coach.

Strong words from a strange man. Dan Dakich, a noted idiot and egomaniacal doofus who regularly searches his name on Twitter, devoted a chunk of his radio show to ranting at the school board of Scottsburg, Indiana for firing their high school basketball coach.

IndyStar:

“Scottsburg, (are) you complete idiots? Like are you just that fricking stupid, Scottsburg, Indiana? Can we please not fire a coach who has been great for the community,” Dakich said on the air. “I mean what is wrong with you people in Scottsburg, Indiana? I mean are you that hillbilly?”

…

“Let me guess, some jack— of a board member has a kid on the team at Scottsburg that didn’t get to play enough,” he said. “Shut the living hell up Scottsburg, Indiana. Shut the whole damn town down. Hey jack—, I may just drive down there and beat the hell out of every school board member.”

…

“Take a dump in Scottsburg should be our new thing. My god, how stupid. Somebody send me a picture of this school board, these idiots in Scottsburg,” he said. “Take a dump in Scottsburg should be the new motto.”

He said Scottsburg was full of “meth and AIDS and needles.” Austin, Indiana, just north of Scottsburg, does have the worst HIV situation in rural America, so that’s where that bit came from. Dakich admitted to not even knowing the fired coach, but said he heard he was a great guy and had a winning record each of the last two seasons. A truly bizarre tirade even by Dakich’s standards. I understand that there aren’t any sports going on right now, but are you honestly telling me there isn’t anything else he could’ve been talking about? I’ve referred to Indianapolis as a fourth-rate city numerous times in the past and gotten crap on Twitter for it, but it’s really hard to refute my argument when you’ve got Dakich on the radio devoting airtime to the firing of a basketball coach in a town of less than 7,000 people. As if Dakich wasn’t bad enough, Indianapolis also has jabronis like Bob Kravitz and Kent Sterling running around polluting the world with nonsense takes.

Here it is, your moment of zen.